Why Core Values Make You and How to Gain Control

Let’s continue to work on the foundation which enables us to make changes that lead towards a mental state and overall feel that you would like to achieve - this article is about core values and why they form such an important part of this foundation.

Often people doubt and are stifled by the idea that “we are very much who we are” and there is not too much to do about it. There has been decades of debate on how much personality traits like neuroticism, extraversion, openness, agreeableness and conscientiousness can change, but recent centre of opinion seems to be that personality traits show some stability and tendencies through lifespan but trajectories of change vary from person to person and a shift is definitely possible.

To take control of the mental processes and direct them towards the aspired goals a powerful strategy is to work with core values. Core values are automatized cornerstones of understanding and assessing situations which organize deeply our attitude, relationship to the context and behavior.

Imagine, how would a person behave while attacked by a robber if their core values were 1) pacifism and understanding vs 2) self defence and dominance. The situations would turn out very differently. Or is core values were 1) openness and curiosity vs 2) safety and commitment to duties. If you play this small imaginary game, you can visualize interesting scenarios which have both their reasons, pros and cons.

Usually the core values are a product of several life events and psychological spaces we have been immersed in for a longer period of time. Also, we can not exclude the factor x and genetics, which also play their role which is not under our conscious control and accessible.

If parents were very strict and demanding all the time, it could be that it results in the children being similar, following habitual patterns or maybe the opposite - rebelling and picking opposite core values. But the fact is that if we start thinking and realizing which core values direct us in our life, each core value most often has a story or context where it was formed.

Although it is true that core values that have been formed over many years, decades or also generations are carried by lots of neural material which has been reinforced over a long time. It means that the automatized so called “default” patterns are deeply rooted. But as you are searching for change and alternative ways of thinking and acting out, there is mental capacity which carries weight and which is up to challenging the current neural pathways to form better, more effective ones which align more with the personality you feel you would like to be.

To open yourself the door to conscious understanding of your core values and also access to revising them, as usually, the first step is awareness. Here, I will share a very simple and effective method to ignite the process of gaining control and starting the conscious identity shift.

Pick a story from your life which is emotionally charged and where you were deeply engaged. Now analyse them for a moment - what emotion, reaction and behavior did they carry? Why did you react, behave and feel the way you did? Which core values did lead you? Was it fear, safety, distance, dominance, calmness, escapism or something else? (It would be great now to pick several stories which have strong meaning for you and do a similar analysis) This enables you to find out which core values you are following and which impact they have on you.

As the next step you can pick the same story and think, how would you react, behave and feel if you would have different core values. You can have fun thinking of many different if you wish, even go to the extreme (being super aggressive or extremely timid, surprisingly friendly, hugging your enemy etc.) And this is just the game to loosen up your freedom of attitude and openness. If you are not able to be open and creative in your mind, how do you think you could do it in real life??

Now comes a deep question - do you know how you would like to be? How can you pick the core values and start implementing them first in your imaginary games and later in real life if you are not sure about this? There is no right or wrong way how to be and we all have tremendous potential of being in many different ways. But what matters is making a choice which we feel fits us and is somehow deeply linked with. (my top values are for example humbleness, assertiveness, courage, curiosity, self-development) If you find yours which you resonate deeply with, you are already half the way there.

If you more or less know which core values feel right guiding and representing you in different life situations, you can start forming your mental image of yourself following those values. Remember, that our brain/mind directs all the actions we do. If we do not have a pattern in our mind that enables us to behave in the desired way, we can not do it. Therefore it all starts with thinking and imagery. Playing through all the stories you imagined and following the core values that you feel represent you, you build a good mental base for also bringing this shifted personality to the reality.

No, if the described steps have been followed, most of the foundation is laid - the next phase is acting it out in reality. Here, it is crucial to start small. To pick one area, situation or person and follow fresh, different core values you have chosen. Too high expectations and fast shifts can evoke sharp tensions between who you were (and still are) and the new you. You can not step on the cement which is still wet and soft. Give some time and practice to it and you will get there.

The story also brings to the surface a vision of ‘what would be if core values are not consciously targeted’ but an attempt to make superficial changes of ignited. It can lead to strong mental tensions and also disappointment if things do not work out as planned. But if the awareness of core values is there and we can access them, we are in a much better position to be our own creators.

If you have any questions, remarks or you would like to have personal guidance, please feel absolutely free to contact me!